Values: Being Accommodating & Straightforwardness (133)

Values: Being Accommodating (Gladly Accepting What-Is) & Straightforwardness (133)

Summary:

Lesson 133 is Value 4 & 5. Learning to accommodate yourself and others. Being straight in your thoughts, words and actions.

Source: Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 13, Verse 7.


Revision:

  • SUMMARY OF NAMES:
    • V1: amānitvam: Absence of need to manipulate to receive acknowledgement/respect.
    • V2: adhambhitam: Absence of pretense (making up stories).
    • V3: ahiṃsā: Non-injury.
    • V4: kṣānti: Accommodation / Forgiveness.
  • Ahimsa:
    • Living an alertful life in relation to your thoughts, words coming out of mouth and actions. Increases sensitivity to subtler realities.
    • Vegetarianism per book:
      • Isn't about health choices, but strengthening your will to honor all life.
      • Unreasonable to justify carnivorous eating habits ENTIRELY based on animal kingdom. Because human enjoys free will. While animals are pre-programmed as carnivore/herbivore.
      • So vegetarianism is ONE of the paths of practicing ahimsa. It’s not the ONLY path. Thus it’s not necessarily a mandate.
    • Another tool to exercise ahimsa is:
      • When unconscious immoral thought appears, use freewill to look into it with curiosity… instead of entertaining it.
    • Ahimsa isn’t absolutely static.
      • EG: White lie. You're at dentist. He SUDDENLY starts speaking about falsehoods which you are fighting against. Do you just get up with tooth half filled? You can't speak. Suppose he even asks you “Don't you agree?”. You're not going to say “no”.
  • Kṣāntiḥ:
    • Accommodating people possible if keep in mind 3 conditions: Person can be either in:
      1. Denial
      2. Wants to change, but unable or unwilling before you
      3. In process of change.
    • If don’t know above 3 possibilities, then you may get frustrated in your attempt to guide others.

Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 13, Verse 7:

CONTINUATION FROM Value 4: Kshanti: Accommodation / Glad Acceptance

  • Why we get frustrated attempting to “guide” others?
    • Haven't discerned (a) what you CAN influence, and (b) CANNOT influence.
    • EG: You can't stop sun shining it’s personality… but you can use your intelligence to influence exposure to it’s shine.
  • If wish to guide another, then follow 3 steps below:
    • GUIDELINE: Duty is to facilitate evolution of a person. And not put them into boxes of hopeless/dishonest/immature/etc. They’ll pickup and put on resistance.
    • STEP 1: Evaluate which of 3 conditions ABOVE is person in.
      • If (DENIAL), then:
        • Person no value for making a difference.
        • How to influence one in DENIAL?
          • Ask yourself, “What specifically am I attempting to reform?”.
          • Ask: “Why am I attempting to reform them? Is it really my responsibility?”.
          • Connect them to another person.
          • Relevant stories.
          • Last resort: Pain (fear), pleasure (gain).
      • If (WANTS BUT CAN’T OR DEFIANT TOWARDS YOU), then:
        • 2 possibilities:
          • Lack will power.
          • Lack method/technique.
        • Connect them with a neutral person (arbitrator, mediator, judge). EG:
          • Marriage counselling.
          • Students disagree amongst themselves. But listen to the teacher.
      • If (IN PROCESS OF CHANGE), then:
        • Guide if asked. Ask questions to help them clarify their path.
    • STEP 2: Based on Step 1, change your communication style.
    • STEP 3: Provided you’ve put best effort, know when to “let them be”. Long as you don’t complain thereafter.
      • EG: Even Krishna couldn't influence Karna to join his Pandava
  • MISCONCEPTION: Accommodation misinterpreted as “Don’t have any expectations”.
    • Everyone has expectations. However improper attitude towards them. Manifests 2 types:
      • Positive transference:
        • Honeymoon You don’t see the person, but romantic version. Thus expectations are based on imagination (hence no complaints).
        • EG: I expect teacher/partner to always be loving, compassionate, wise. Moment teacher/partner shows non-romance-attributes, person disengages or leaves.
      • Negative transference:
        • EG: I always thought she was beautiful / he was smart… but now my opinion is different.
        • Honeymoon ending. Starting to project your unresolved stuff onto them. Want them to change.
          • SOLUTION: Use this transitioning time to listen to their feedback for your growth. Also alert they’re aren’t projecting.
    • WHAT IS PROPER ATTITUDE TOWARDS EXPECTATIONS?
      • Realize outcomes/expectations are not entirely in your control.
        • EG: Even coming from empathy, another may misinterpret (according to past) as manipulation.
      • Keep in mind (a) what CAN be influenced, (b) what CAN’T be influenced. Knowing thoroughly your sphere of influence.
    • Where does illusion of TOTAL control/expectation come from?
      • Teenage years. Wants a revolution, reform world. Ideological. It plays part in youth, because gives drive/enthusiasm.  But spills into adulthood for most.
  • CHALLENGES WHILE BEING ACCOMMODATING:
    • ARGUMENTS: How to solve arguments?
      • Bring focus back on issue by asking related Q's.
      • See from their standpoint.
      • Ultimate Goal is peace (resolution, insight).
      • Remember: Behind any aggression, there is a vulnerable person. So keep attention on person, and NOT the behavior.
    • CONFRONTATION: How to respond to confrontation? Should I set boundaries OR share emotional vulnerabilities?
      • If issue touches you:
        • EMOTIONALLY, but you respond on ethical (intellectual) level… then there is a disconnect between emotions/intellect. Thus you'll be ineffective communicator.
        • ETHICALLY, but you respond emotionally, then other's won't buy your perception.
      • This DEMONSTRATES why important to have a sensitive mind. Else you respond at inappropriate level, losing natural influencing power.
      • This clears misconception about Sthitaprajña (jīvanmukta, saint): They’re always equanimous in all situations.
  • SUMMARY: Key to accommodation is responding to person’s biography (that’s causing the behavior). And not to the behavior (they’re endless effects).

Value 5: Ārjavam: Straightforwardness

* Starts at: 1:00:26

  • What is absence of ārjavam?
    • Thought, word and action don’t share a unified synergy. Betraying each other.
    • RESULT OF ABSENCE:
      • Causes inner conflict.
      • Makes you uninfluential (don’t hold people’s attention). EG: Parent doesn’t follow up stated consequence.
      • Perceived as untrustworthy.
  • Examples of violation:
    • I agree with you”, but person does something else. OR  “I’ll be down in 1 min”, but takes 5 min.
      • SOLUTION: Call them out. Say it’s unfair.
  • Why do we sometimes NOT follow-through what we say to ourselves/others?
    • Will power is weak/undeveloped. Lack of discipline.
    • SOLUTION TO FOLLOWING-THROUGH (meaning: thought-word-action are integrated):
      1. Support group. Holds you accountable.
      2. Chunk down big vision into smaller manageable chunks.
        • EG: Want to write a book? Write whatever comes. Rearrange once. Rearrange twice.
      3. Get clear on future rewards/benefits.
      4. Kaizen: Small incremental improvements. Hardly a big deal. EG: Today: 10 sec exercise. Tomorrow 15 sec.

 

  • SUMMARY OF NAMES:
    • V1: amānitvam: Humility.
    • V2: adhambhitam: Absence of pretense (making up stories).
    • V3: ahiṃsā: Non-injury.
    • V4: kṣānti: Accommodation / Forgiveness.
    • V5: ārjavam: Straightforwardness.

 

Keywords: ahimsa, ksanti, amanitvam, arjava

 


Credit for help in Bhagavad Gita teaching given to Swami Dayananda (Arsha Vidya), Paramarthananda & Chinmaya Mission.

Recorded 7 July, 2021

 

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